Tuesday, March 31, 2009

a missionary's confession

Yesterday John and I took the team to the Wildlife Reserve in our area.  We were in charge as Jason, our director, was sick.  We have run so many groups and for the most part feel comfortable in front of them, leading.   However, yesterday I was orchestrating the birthday part of the celebration and emceeing the activities for the afternoon, when it started happening.  As I was standing up front talking to the kids, team, the homes' director's and staff I started hearing two voices....  One was saying, "You are doing horrible and no one even understands you," while the other voice is saying, "Keep it together Corrie, you are fine, this doesn't need to be profound."  Have you ever had that happen to you, you start having this war of thoughts and internally you are all over the place, while externally you are leading, orchestrating and carrying on with what you should be doing?  Anyway, that is not the confession, hopefully, everyone has experienced that at some point (if not, oops, I promise I am not crazy)....
The confession is this:  So I was so rattled by the war going on in my head that I hid behind my kids the rest of the afternoon.  It is a legitimate excuse, right, it is my children.... but alas, it was still an excuse.  I know the difference.  There are times when with your children you need to be, but this was not one of them.  I literally told John that I would have them (he was doing a great job without me) while he remained taking care of group items.   I am bummed because I think I cowered in the voice of the enemy.  I really believe I chose to believe lies verses knowing who I am in Christ.   I didn't want to have to lead anymore that afternoon, because I had convinced myself that I was a terrible leader and how embarrassing for everyone else to see as well.  Isn't that crazy?  I am not saying it is crazy that I might be a bad leader, I am saying that it is crazy that I chose to respond to the voice of the enemy and shrink back.   I want to fight those thoughts and want to get passed them.  In Christ, I am more than a Conqueror and truly those words are just words unless I believe them.   I even wonder if I am hearing those wacked out thoughts because the Lord is wanting to develop some more leadership giftings in me and it takes more experience....
Anyway, there you have it, my confession....
God Bless.


  1. I love you! It's not crazy Corrie, it's just the way we are all wired ... except most of us aren't as transparently honest about the places that we struggle. You have a great heart.

    'We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.' 2 Cor 4:7 NLT


  2. Cor,

    It happens to me all the time. When I feel overwhelmed I usually am overwhelmed! I agree with "LAW". I learned many years ago sometimes I need to retreat to a place and with people who support me. My children do that for me as your do for you. When we are there I want to chat with you about what you call the enemy. I suspect it will be an interesting conversation.

    Years ago when I was a hospital chaplain I would have terrible events to face in the ER or ICU, children dying, friends being killed, and the like. I found myself retreating to my office to "work" on my computer, doing mindless data entry. It gave me a time to recompose myself for the next crisis.

    You experience, in my opinion had nothing to do with your faith (or you supposed lack thereof)but most likely with fatigue. A ten day group is a really tiring experience.

    Know this for sure, God loves you and gives you the moves you need-like being with your children for the rest of the day.

    We love you too! We leave in 31 days!



  3. My dear friend:

    First of all, you are not alone. I've talked to several people from church in our music ministry - they hate MONDAYS because it's as if the attack of sin comes into play and they replay over and over in their mind the music from the previous day's worship. I've experienced it myself - usually when I step out of my comfort zone OR when I want something to go well SO badly . . .

    in any case, the real issue is one of the heart "For do I seek to please men or GOD?" . . . is my heart truly seeking to please an Audience of ONE or am I (wish I could bold that) getting in the way? Then in the flesh we retreat and say "I'm not doing that again . . ."

    Performance will be PERFECTED only in GLORY! In the meantime, GOD is looking for OBEDIENCE - simple obedience. Possibly the hardest lesson of the Christian life - almost 35 years of it and I'm still working on this one.

    Thankful for His AMAZING Grace that continues to redeem me!

  4. Cor...I hear ya, and I feel it sometimes too! But I think this is where the whole treasure in jars of clay is. We are so unqualified...so unskilled...and so inadequate unless we are operating out of His power. I am honored that you would share your struggle with me. I will continue to pray that the Spirit strengthens and encourages you as I'm sure every day is a mile out of your comfort zone. :)

  5. cor...are we living parallel lives even with an ocean between us?!! i am having the same battles in my mind in ministry right now. thanks for being vunerable and by doing so encouraging me to listen to GOD instead of lies!!!!

  6. How can we think less of you when you are so real. All people weather they admit it or not appreciate real people. I will pray that God will help you shut down the lies and that you will trust Him more. We continues to do a work in all of us. I love that, don't you. Great job. I know with everything you trust Him for He will bless it. Love you sista.