I am not liking who I am becoming. I don't enjoy seeing what "fruit" has been coming out of me lately. The same people I came here to serve are the same ones I am feeling bitterness and anger and frustration towards. Maybe this is in some kind of "transitions to other cultures" class that I am in real life going through. The novelty has worn off, life has been established here and now I am left with the day in and day out living in a culture that can bring me to tears in about 30 seconds. And honestly, tears is the better option verses down right anger which has been known to come out of me as well.
I will give you a small example so you can really understand the impact. There are all sorts of beggars and people selling you things at most "larger" stopping points. One of the opportunities (that is me trying to be nice about this) that younger boys take is to wash your windshield while you are at a halt. You don't get a choice about it, they do it and then they expect to receive compensation for their dutiful act. Honestly, first year here, I would laugh to myself and explain to whoever was visiting at the time that this is one of the ways people try to earn money, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, about a few weeks ago this happened and I asked them politely not to touch my car because it had just been washed and it didn't need it to be done again. Well, they did it anyway and I wouldn't give them money and one of the boys went behind my car and hit it with his hand. Within 2 seconds I was fuming mad!!! I jumped out of my car and started telling this young boy to NEVER TOUCH MY CAR AGAIN, Do you hear me? Never touch my car again! I got back in my car and embarrassedly so, feeling glad I gave him my mind.
Well, about 12 hours later I was reading in I Peter about humility and then I was reading in I Cor. 9 about giving up your rights in order to be a bridge to the gospel. Ughhh..... do you see what I mean? I am so embarrassed to see who I am becoming. Really, can you picture the Corrie you know becoming so aggressive like that to yell at a young boy? Who am I? I am embarrassed and humbled by it. All I can think about is the hundreds of people who saw what I did and to my shame!!! I cannot imagine the Lord receiving a lot of glory from me....
I think what bothers me most of all and maybe what prompted me to get it "out there" is the bigger realization that it was honestly in me the whole time. I just had not been in any environments yet to force it out. The ugliness of my sin overwhelms me at times. It also makes me cling to Jesus. For it is because of this ugliness that He died on the cross. I don't know why I don't think I need a Savior, right? Of course I do. At this embarrassing moment I have hope that if my sins are coming out of me at such an exponentionally fast rate, maybe Jesus is trying to purify me because He still believes I can do what I am called to do. Live in Jos, Nigeria Africa and serve the Fatherless that He loves just as much as me.
Thanks for your prayers and if you wouldn't mind would you pray for my purification process to be over quickly :) (I am kidding....)