Wednesday, September 1, 2010

confessions of a missionary

I have no pictures today and nothing in regards to ministry either; however, yesterday was another fun day at OLA with my friend, Kimberly. But, today I want to share with you something different. Something that most people at the end of reading this will wish they hadn't because it will most likely be awkward (even if we don't see each other face to face) for me to know you know. But I write this in order for me to maybe be accountable to our friends and family who support us or maybe in hopes that there will be a few of you who will feel motivated to pray for me in a more real way.

Here goes:

I am not liking who I am becoming. I don't enjoy seeing what "fruit" has been coming out of me lately. The same people I came here to serve are the same ones I am feeling bitterness and anger and frustration towards. Maybe this is in some kind of "transitions to other cultures" class that I am in real life going through. The novelty has worn off, life has been established here and now I am left with the day in and day out living in a culture that can bring me to tears in about 30 seconds. And honestly, tears is the better option verses down right anger which has been known to come out of me as well.

I will give you a small example so you can really understand the impact. There are all sorts of beggars and people selling you things at most "larger" stopping points. One of the opportunities (that is me trying to be nice about this) that younger boys take is to wash your windshield while you are at a halt. You don't get a choice about it, they do it and then they expect to receive compensation for their dutiful act. Honestly, first year here, I would laugh to myself and explain to whoever was visiting at the time that this is one of the ways people try to earn money, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, about a few weeks ago this happened and I asked them politely not to touch my car because it had just been washed and it didn't need it to be done again. Well, they did it anyway and I wouldn't give them money and one of the boys went behind my car and hit it with his hand. Within 2 seconds I was fuming mad!!! I jumped out of my car and started telling this young boy to NEVER TOUCH MY CAR AGAIN, Do you hear me? Never touch my car again! I got back in my car and embarrassedly so, feeling glad I gave him my mind.

Well, about 12 hours later I was reading in I Peter about humility and then I was reading in I Cor. 9 about giving up your rights in order to be a bridge to the gospel. Ughhh..... do you see what I mean? I am so embarrassed to see who I am becoming. Really, can you picture the Corrie you know becoming so aggressive like that to yell at a young boy? Who am I? I am embarrassed and humbled by it. All I can think about is the hundreds of people who saw what I did and to my shame!!! I cannot imagine the Lord receiving a lot of glory from me....

I think what bothers me most of all and maybe what prompted me to get it "out there" is the bigger realization that it was honestly in me the whole time. I just had not been in any environments yet to force it out. The ugliness of my sin overwhelms me at times. It also makes me cling to Jesus. For it is because of this ugliness that He died on the cross. I don't know why I don't think I need a Savior, right? Of course I do. At this embarrassing moment I have hope that if my sins are coming out of me at such an exponentionally fast rate, maybe Jesus is trying to purify me because He still believes I can do what I am called to do. Live in Jos, Nigeria Africa and serve the Fatherless that He loves just as much as me.

Thanks for your prayers and if you wouldn't mind would you pray for my purification process to be over quickly :) (I am kidding....)


  1. Cor,
    I am praying for you! And I completely understand. Some days I find myself in the same place with the teenagers and families I serve and it is frustrating when you realize just how much flesh is left in you. But I do think God is gracious in only showing us some of our flesh...and at the right that we can allow Him to deal with it and move forward. This is for sure a part of the process. Thanks for being open to share...makes me feel like I'm not the only one~!

  2. It takes a lot of faith (and guts) to put yourself out here like this. Thank you for your honesty. You've only voiced the same ugliness that each of us have within us. We all let it slip out, usually when we least expect it (like in front of hundreds of people). I find it amazing and beautiful that God is working through you on this. He loves you and he's known ALL of you since before you were born. Hang in there. I can't imagine that the purification that you pray for will be easy, but you'll be so blessed along the way!

    Love and prayers,
    Michelle W.

  3. Corrie,
    I must admit I struggle with the same things! Thanks for your honesty. You guys are always in our prayers. We miss you but are so proud to call you friends!
    Jim & Betty

  4. I love your honesty and forthrightness. You are candid...and it is so refreshing. You put words to what we all struggle with and it's raw and honest and real. It's something I've loved about you from meeting you on day 1. That's what draws others in and makes you so well suited to be in a foreign country and sharing Jesus with others. There's no facade, no mask, no trap door of luring others in to who Jesus is. It's who you are, raw and real, explaining that we ALL need Jesus every day, moment to moment. Love you, friend. Thanks for doing what you do. You have an army of prayer warriors behind you and with you. Love, Jen Powers :)

  5. Corrie,
    Once again I am so impressed with you and this blog. There is a reality with you that I seldom see with most anyone else. Purification is the word you use and rightly so, He is cleansing you from all directions so that others may see Him through you! You are NOT alone in these struggles... they happen to pastors quite often. Hold on tight to the One you love, and He will see you through. As usual, you are in my prayers, and will stay there! Can't wait to see you face to face...
    Bobby H.

  6. So he brings his light to your darkness...and to mine. What a mercy! For we are helpless to change ourselves. We are blessed and broken in the process, and ever so slowly, look more and more like him. He wouldn't bother if you didn't matter so VERY much to him Corrie. Thanks for sharing your heart.

  7. The first thing I thought of when I read this post was, "There's redemption in confession & there's freedom in the light." It's a line from a Sara Groves song that I often find myself singing. You are not alone...
    Angie (Telfer) Anderson

  8. Corrie, after reading all the beautiful words written before me I hesitated to offer my thoughts...really stand in awe of your honesty and I really see you and your tears of frustration as the wearing away....washing off the brittle armor of protection that we all wear around our hearts....isn't Jesus ever so gentle to allow us to do it little by little...mostly on our terms....just getting closer to the image of himself that is in us to all

  9. 3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
    O Lord, who could stand?

    4 But with you there is forgiveness;
    therefore you are feared.

    Psalm 130:3-4

    35 + years and I still fail Him miserably. I love you, my friend! Praying for you