BUT now, here I am again, this time without the larger community, just my smaller family, learning how to run again, physically and spiritually. Let me try to explain as it is still coming together in my mind this morning. So, the other day, I felt my running getting stronger, as I said, and I knew that if I didn't change something, I would become stagnant in a way in my physical health. Which is true for all of us spiritually, if we are not moving forward after a season then we are ultimately moving backwards. John had asked me to run with him early in the morning, which in the past, I have completely stayed clear from. He and I, how can I put this, don't run well together. It is tense as he breathes easily and is enjoying his leisure stroll, while I am frustrated feeling as if I am holding him back and breathing loudly and wanting to stop....He just runs faster.
Anyway, I thought maybe I would give it a try again and see what happens. Well, a week or so has gone by and we are running together still. Daily it is a struggle, but this time, I am realizing how amazing God is as he orchestrates every detail for his greater good.
This morning, as we were running, he made a small comment, "Corrie, you are holding back, you have more in you to give" I immediately thought he was talking spiritually (we were talking about the summer), and I was like, "really?" and he said, "Yes, I see it in you right now." Me, being encouraged that he saw in me more than what was shown was so excited to let go and abandon all and give it all I got for the Lord, I mean, someone thinks it, right? Even if it was my husband, he sees it....
Well, come to find out, he meant physically and was wanting me to pick up the pace... I became so discouraged and frustrated with him and told him the run was not all about him.... Well, needless to say, our run was finished in silence... We return and he kindly and humbly came up to me and said that my comment hurt him. I was so busy making sure that if I ran with him, he would run at my pace, and run how long I wanted to, that ultimately I had made our runs not all about him, but all about me. I love him for he corrected my thinking with a little gentle rebuke and I am learning he is wanting our runs to be about us, neither one of us in particular. I sat in silence as I started thinking this over a bit.
The truth is, I don't know how to do that. In Mexico, we learned to work as a unit, but our "ministry" paths did not need to cross much, outside of the children. We just played really different roles. Here, we won't survive unless we function as "one". and I am realizing that is a challenge for me, because it is easier for me to have the focus on one and then the other. It is just easier, you know? But, to learn to run next to him, considering both our thoughts and needs in the moment is new and different. Yet, I am confident this is exactly what the Lord is teaching me in this season.
I was needing a change in my running and as I am starting to do just that, I realize once again, that the Lord is calling me to a change in my spiritual being. One that is able to compromise, continually looking to the interest of others. Not be so consumed with my lack of ability but recognize that there is someone next to me who is running, sacrificing, serving and giving as well and we can learn together.
The truth is John is a much better runner than me and he is stronger, faster, etc... but isn't that what I need to move forward physically and spiritually? Don't we all need someone like that to mature and grow?
And, John was right, I do have more to give and I am thankful he does see it and wants me too as well. I guess I need to keep running with him...