I am a square peg: Circumstances and life choices around me feel, a round hole. Does that help? :)
I am just not in the same frame of mind or the same opinion of others that seem to be prevalent, so when I am choosing to not move or make a different choice, it can appear that I am going against the grain because the wind is butting up against me, when in reality I am just choosing to "be still" in a life that is not still. I am not saying that life is wrong, but I do think that I am wrong when I am not being obedient by being still, when I am asked to do so.... and then the rub hits me again. People get confused, people think I am "just being Corrie again"... needing to be "different"!
I don't necessarily wake up and think "How can I be different today and cause others to feel weird?" I promise you, I do not... but I have given that impression OR I think I have given that impression. That second statement is probably even more accurate than the first!
But, I have tried being round in a round hole and it has caused a discontent in me... an ugly one that is blame oriented or defensive or feeing the need to justify. I want this no more!
This past weekend was a distant feeling. Actually, the whole weekend I was feeling distant. Distant from my circumstances, distant from my family and distant in my energy.
I also think the Lord showed me some things as I went to him on Saturday night. This is what I think He was saying:
The sin you see in your life Corrie, was there from the beginning, it is just your current circumstances that are bringing it out (which leaves no room for blame on others)BUT, thankfully i wasn't left there feeling ughhh... hopeless!You have come to a place in your walk where you can turn around and see that you have people-pleased many times and it has created in you a bit of inauthenticity as you continue to live out of other's expectations and standards (which leaves no room for defensiveness)You are feeling down because you have lost your first Love and you must get it back! (which leaves no room for idolatry)
I was so gently reminded to persevere with others who have persevered (can anyone say they have yet to persevere through something???). I was reminded that I am Christ's and in Him my identity is intact and that in Him I am to live freely which will lead to abundance, which leads to glory to God!
SO, I want to reclaim my life back as a square peg. It isn't wrong to be a round hole and it isn't wrong to be a square peg... and it is not wrong to be a square peg in a round life BUT, what is wrong is that when God asks me to be true to the squareness, I don't do it...
This is what I am desiring to change. When asked of it, I am a square peg, but for the rest of the time, I don't mind trying to be round... :) as long as the Lord continues to give me the discernment of each moment!
Thank you Lord for your discernment and your insight and Truth! I don't want to be discontent! I am thankful you are both round and square!