So as I have been praying for that, He has been teaching........ and I don't like it. I even said to God that I know if I pray this, I will be humbled, but I thought because I knew that and God knew that He would not do it.... because I was on to that little game.... (funny huh, what can really make sense in your mind). But, to my dismay, I am being humbled and it is extremely challenging. I am like, "Okay, how about the confidence part... let's not forget the second part of that prayer" I guess I am not ready yet.
Here it is in a nut shell... I like relationships, and I find my time this summer being spent on details: someone has to help with the errand running, work on the schedules, has to stay behind to care for a sick child, or realizing my sacrifice of an activity might better someone else's experience. All good things, right? Yet, I hear myself sounding like my youngest 7 year old... "But, they all can do it" or "but that is what I enjoy, naturally talking to people" or "Why did my child have to get a horrible case of poison ivy" (the worst mothering thought a mother can feel). I was a part of planning an outreach in our village and I was soooooo excited about going to it and experiencing going into their homes and praying for them and handing them some food, and the night before Gus gets poison ivy so bad that we had to take him to the hospital this morning and it was in his mouth, his eyes, etc... When I see him and look at him, I don't think for a moment I want to be anywhere else but caring for him and helping feel more comfortable, but the moment I hear them talking about what happened I feel jealous, or I feel a loss of ministry....
Okay, those are all real thoughts, I am not saying good thoughts, just real ones.... ones that I have been struggling with. How did I describe humility above, "fully His and wanting to do what He wills, not me" So I find this struggle of knowing in my mind I am doing things that need to get done and it is about time I recognize the art of true sacrifice. It is one thing to sacrifice a nice home or good medical care or convenient food, but for me, it is another ballgame to sacrifice hearts desire for ministry for behind the scenes details.
I need to grow up. The truth is the interns are great! I don't need to be doing all the things I want to be doing. I just want to.... Again, my seven year old.
So, as I find myself broken, I know in the long term, I am gaining a knowledge of humility that hopefully will stick and a confidence that it doesn't have to be about my expectations or desires. It is His will I want. I think these new ideas of humility and confidence will piece me back together in a stronger way.
On another note, Gus is doing better and he was doing horribly and it was so disheartening to see him wear a coat with a hoodie because he felt it would make people feel uncomfortable to look at his face. Doesn't that make you want to hug him? It does me!!!!