a missionary's confession

Yesterday John and I took the team to the Wildlife Reserve in our area.  We were in charge as Jason, our director, was sick.  We have run so many groups and for the most part feel comfortable in front of them, leading.   However, yesterday I was orchestrating the birthday part of the celebration and emceeing the activities for the afternoon, when it started happening.  As I was standing up front talking to the kids, team, the homes' director's and staff I started hearing two voices....  One was saying, "You are doing horrible and no one even understands you," while the other voice is saying, "Keep it together Corrie, you are fine, this doesn't need to be profound."  Have you ever had that happen to you, you start having this war of thoughts and internally you are all over the place, while externally you are leading, orchestrating and carrying on with what you should be doing?  Anyway, that is not the confession, hopefully, everyone has experienced that at some point (if not, oops, I promise I am not crazy)....

The confession is this:  So I was so rattled by the war going on in my head that I hid behind my kids the rest of the afternoon.  It is a legitimate excuse, right, it is my children.... but alas, it was still an excuse.  I know the difference.  There are times when with your children you need to be, but this was not one of them.  I literally told John that I would have them (he was doing a great job without me) while he remained taking care of group items.   I am bummed because I think I cowered in the voice of the enemy.  I really believe I chose to believe lies verses knowing who I am in Christ.   I didn't want to have to lead anymore that afternoon, because I had convinced myself that I was a terrible leader and how embarrassing for everyone else to see as well.  Isn't that crazy?  I am not saying it is crazy that I might be a bad leader, I am saying that it is crazy that I chose to respond to the voice of the enemy and shrink back.   I want to fight those thoughts and want to get passed them.  In Christ, I am more than a Conqueror and truly those words are just words unless I believe them.   I even wonder if I am hearing those wacked out thoughts because the Lord is wanting to develop some more leadership giftings in me and it takes more experience....

Anyway, there you have it, my confession....

God Bless.